A Capital Affair
(The 51 European capitals)
Sofia’s boyfriend, Bob Russel, said he had just returned from Helsinki when she first met him in the Old Dublin pub in October. Not shy, he had mentioned he lived in Valletta Woods, an upscale suburb. She found it strange that an unmarried man would deal with the daily commute into the city, rather than living in a condo downtown such as the Vaduz or the Skopje or in a downtown hotel.
Bob was an attorney from East Lansing. He claimed to have played college football against football legend San Marino. He said his cousin was former Pittsburgh Pirate Bill Nicosia. He bragged that his clients included Paul Anka, Ray Parker, Jr., and the estate of Irving Berlin. He said he owned a part interest in a Dylan album. When Sofia later learned that Dan, not San, Marino had played college ball when Bob was a child, that Steve, not Bill, Nicosia caught for the Pirates, and that he had misspelled the Dylan album as “Blond on Blond,” she wished she had followed her friends’ advice to go slow. Bob was a liar.
There were other incidents. Bob had been seen with his admin, skiing, and denied it. “I don’t ski, ever,” he had insisted. Not wanting to stir an argument into a breakup, she let it pass. She noted a receipt from a European jewelry store and asked Bob to explain the charge for 965 euros, plus VAT. “I can. City shopping in Europe is horribly pricy,” he explained. That was for a bracelet for my mother.” It was early in their romance, so Sofia decided not to stop these lies in the bud, a pest was not something she wanted to be.
When a blogger linked Bob romantically with a local lawyer-evangelist and claimed that they had managed to rig an election, Bob called it “fake news” and was able to, even though Sofia was mad, ride out a possible fight. He heard her say “buch off,” or at least he hoped the word was “buch.”
A restful recent moment had turned ugly. She noticed that when names such as Stockholm or Vienna or Luxembourg appeared on his phone’s caller ID, Bob reflexively turned his phone over. She correctly suspected it was a code. It was, Bob used city names for his girlfriends. Vilnius was Violet, Reykjavik was Renee.
Worse were her ongoing concerns Bob was married. There was his suburban address. She had never been to his house. He had not sent her any pictures of his “business trips” to Ljubljana or Copenhagen. He rarely took her calls at night. They had never spent a weekend together. It was time to investigate; even if a breakup bloodbath ensued, she had to rebel. Grade “A” cheaters had no place in her life.
She found Bob’s law firm’s Facebook page. On it was a picture, with the caption, “among the hosts at the Firm’s retreat at the Forrestall Inn were Bob Russel and Sara Jevonski. Her dress was tan, and she wore a wedding ring.
It did not take long to find Sara’s Facebook page, with dozens of pictures of Bob and their child, Opra. Guessing Opra had a page, Sofia checked it out. One recent posting was especially galling: “Mom and Dad are going to Paris for their 20th anniversary next week and we will PARTY! Pizza, greb and grub, booze and-quel surpris- Tina will bring her band-Tina and the Baku Brat. Is lava lamps and a great time to be had by all.”
Livid, Sofia remembered Bob had told her he had to go to Andorra la Villa and Lisbon next week on firm business where he claimed there would be no cell service. Her life was now like some songs in country music, his (i) naughty behavior leading to heartbreak and (ii) behavior was that of a demon, a conman, a cheater, a liar and a scamster. Damn it, she screamed. Her friends who knew there would be war, saw her in a new light, an angry woman, prepared for revenge.
Two popular local radio personalities, Amos Cowell and Tom Billings, were friends of Sofia. They often did on-air pranks. She asked Billings, “T-Bil, is it something you can do? Is there a way I can get even?”
There was. The radio personalities called Bob, live on the air, claiming to be from the hotel where Bob and Sofia had spent several nights. They told him several credit cards in the name of Sofia Podgorica had been found in his room. On air, Bob insisted the cards be sent to his work address.
Sara, who had been listening to the broadcast, commenced divorce proceedings the next day. And Tina and the Baku Brat would not be performing at a house party.